Archive for April, 2005
Thursday, April 28th, 2005
This morning I opened up my short story to print it out, only to find I had saved over it with some crap document! The last three days of work gone. Forever!
I called a writing friend. We agree writers lose journals, save over them, destroy them when hard drives crash. I've never saved over a document (at least one that is important to me) in my life. Now, when I am ready to go to the next level, I write over the damn the thing!
How delicious and frustrating and wonderful.
Of course I must retrieve the story. No other option exists but to continue.
The story, and all my stories, are still inside me. The whole experience feels very Zen to me. Like pain is inevitable but suffering is optional or something like that....but I am a wee bit annoyed and grateful, too.
Off to excavate the story from my mind....
[Update: 05/04/05 I've finished the story. Like a few of said, it is much better than the version I lost.]
Posted in The Good Life | 6 Comments »
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
My pal, Andy, from Spicy Cauldron [1], shared some wisdom with me about blogging and writing and story telling.
Blogging, for me, is experience, discipline, freedom, practice,
reinforcement and reassurance - when I see what I've written, now an
impressively large body of work I hope, I feel that maybe one day I will
write that novel, I will get that poetry collection published. Ultimately,
though, writing is it's own incentive. I sometimes wonder if writing is
simply the most commonly exhibited form of autistic behaviour when it's a
novelist or poet over someone who just writes occasionally. For me, it's a
blood thing. I am a slave to the letters. The thing I say to anyone who asks
me, though, how I write, is this: everyone has experiences and stories,
emotions and opinions, inside them. If you want to write, you write. You
don't waste time worrying about what's going to happen once it's over. Just enjoy the ride. (Emphasis mine)
Writing while solitary in its execution, is in so many wonderful ways, communal. Thanks Andy for sharing your experiences with me. Please, everyone, check out Andy's blog. Very spirited, intelligent, wry, compassionate.
[1] http://www.spicycauldron.blogspot.com/
Posted in Political Art, The Good Life | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
Today, I'm finishing up a short story. Once finished, I will submit it far and wide. My goal is to receive at 50 rejections, 10 of them with decent editorial feedback.
I can say that waiting for a story to be perfect resides in the realm of a mathematical null set. A null set has no value and cannot ever have value. My perfect story will never, ever exist. Finishing a decent story is now my new goal.
I'm also preparing a call for submissions for an anthology I will edit. More on that when I post the call.
How are all my creative pals doing with your latest endeavors?
Posted in The Good Life | 7 Comments »
Monday, April 25th, 2005
There is so much wrong with Rudy Takala: The Spectacles of Feminism [1]. I've been forced to excerpt this ridiculous tidbit.
Feminists don't advocate for rights. The contemplation of violence against women plays no role in their considerations; if it did, they would display their love for genitals in the nations of the Middle East and Africa, where human rights violations tend to be more egregious than in the United States. But rights aren’t what they’re concerned with. All they’re concerned with is transforming American culture to better match their values; to do this, they must redefine their gender as one characterized by depraved perverts.
Wow?! A gender characterized by depraved perverts....so if I'm TS does that make this fictitious beings DP?
Rudy is 16, btw.
[1] http://mensnewsdaily.com/blog/takala/2005/04/spectacles-of-feminism.html
Posted in Self-Organizing Men | 6 Comments »
Monday, April 25th, 2005
The Divine Ms. H. attended an Alix Olson [1] show last night.
"Did you have fun being a lesbian?" I asked her this morning. The lack of bi inclusion in lesbian communities is an ongoing chat between us. "Were their lots of wimmins there?" Too, we've laughed about the varieties of spellings for woman juxtaposed against such biphobia.
"Well," she answered, "at least you're not one of those straight guys that says, "oh, lesbians! Can I watch?'"
I reflected for a moment. "No. I've already been a lesbian so they hold no allure for me."
[1] http://jaysennett.comwww.alixolson.com
Posted in Self-Organizing Men | 4 Comments »
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
Dalai Lama
and.....
"Worry is not preparation."
Posted in Etc., The Good Life | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
Even if I got a definitive scientific explanation about why I am transsexual, I would not change my gender for anything.
Being and living my transsexual life is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Posted in A Bespoke Body | 4 Comments »
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
"Life is about movement. If one doesn't make bold choices, death has already occured." from 'Not Dead Yet'
Posted in Etc., The Good Life | Comments Off
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
Link: MEN'S NEWS DAILY: What Is Hip! [1].
Hmmmm...No!
What's Reactionary, Yes!
Misogynist, Check!
If any FtM, or any guy for that matter, wants to know how to not be a man, this site gives great instruction.
[1] http://mensnewsdaily.com/index.htm
Posted in Self-Organizing Men | 4 Comments »
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
Psychology Today [1] latest issue is more of the same, old kindler, gentler misogyny.
The Summary:
"Man is no longer king of his domain. He's now supposed to be an equal partner -- and a good listener, too. Blindsided by the escalating emotional demands of marriage, guys wonder how love became a no-win proposition."
The initial and fundamental premise Sean Elder's article is mind-numbing: men are structurally incapable of being equal partners and good listeners. In Elder's (and presumable PT's) world, men are slugs, literally.
Slug Man is not capable of responsibility, maturity, anything really.
Why? Well, you see, Women have good modern role models - their mothers and grandmothers. But Slug Men don't know where to go for mentoring. Susan Faludi brought this fact to our attention in her groundbreaking book Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man [2]. Faludi looked to other men doing the difficult (I say difficult because so much of masculinity is about violence and domination) work of redefining masculinity in positive ways as the solution.
Elder, on the other hand, falls back on Mr. Misogyny as the reason for Slug Man's inability to be mature and behave like an adult.
"Women have so many dramatically different options in their lives. But where are men taking their cues about what it means to be a husband or a father? There is much less discussion in our society about that."
The guidelines for being a good husband used to be simple: provide, protect, maybe trim the hedges now and then. Now wives still want all that in a mate -- and more. Today's wife wants a confidante and soul mate as well.
The requirements changed with no warning, and many husbands feel blindsided. Most men were raised with the idea that making it in the outside world is how you score points at home. For many women that also still holds true.
It's not as though they (women) want men to be less goal-oriented or less interested in money. They're asking for a breadwinner and a best friend. (emphasis mine)
Slug Men also have dramatically different options, but I guess they're too cowardly to option them. Better, though, to blame women for Slug Man's fear. She's just a Vapid Bitch, anyway, right?
"What's so ludicrous about windsurfing?" asks Real [a Slug Man expert]. "It's effete -- which is another way of saying it's feminine." Yet guys are forced to contend with such inane stereotypes. (Have you ever tried windsurfing? It's about as easy as riding a shark.)
Worst of all, women are often complicit in the stereotyping. If a single woman goes to a party, says Farrell [another Slug Man expert], her friends don't push her toward the sensitive schoolteacher -- they urge her to chat up the banker. "People don't say, 'Look at that man, he's really listening to a woman, asking her questions and drawing her out,'" says Farrell. "You don't get introductions like that, even though you would be introducing the woman to the type of man who would be a wonderful husband and father. Instead the host will say, 'That fellow is an intern at Mt. Sinai Hospital.'"
Blah, blah, blah, blah. Nothing new here, Elder. Slug Men get to blame those Vapid Bitchs for all. "See I'm sensitive but they don't like it! Boo - hoo." No, women don't like Slug Men because they are WHINERS and make it ALL ABOUT THEM. Plus they can't keep a hard-on and be emotionally intimate at the same time, but I digress.
Slug Men relate to a word, "Man," some fake notion of masculinity existing in Leave it to Beaver episodes and blubber when women, saddled with the kids, the job, and the entire marriage, ask them to pony up.
To Slug Men and Elder and Psychology Today, I say:
Get a fucking life! Your problems are not the fault of women (even those Vapid Bitchs) expecting too much from you. Your problem is that you expect too damn little from yourself.
[1] http://jaysennett.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/save_this_man_1.jpg
[2] http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0380720450/qid=1114186184/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/103-4944607-6529408?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Posted in Self-Organizing Men | 6 Comments »
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
The more true or right or authentic people are in their bodies, the more marginalized and medicalized are said bodies.
I've been reading some fabulous posts on Alas (a blog) [1] about a NY Times [2] article on the CDC exaggerating fat deaths by a whopping 1400% [3].
Increasingly people are speaking truth to power. What's killing fat people isn't fat, it is the diet industry. Paul Campos' 2003 New Republic article (Download newsletter2003-3.pdf [4]) on What the Diet Industry Won't Tell You does a fantastic job describing what fat activists have been stating for decades: fear of fat drives a multi-billion dollar industry that ultimately kills.
The medical industry defines my life, the lives of my fat friends, the lives of my intersex friends and the lives of my friends living with disabilities. But these models are slowly being eroded.
Fat, trans and disability activists have fought, and are still fighting, for different medical standards. Fat activists argue that cholesterol levels are better indicators of overall health; trans activists are beginning to gather evidence that suggests fetal hormonal changes may bring about transsexuals; intersex activists are one by one dismantling the butchering standards whereby doctors invade a newborn's body and surgically alter it to fit the doctor's gender standards; and disability activists are shouting about the politicized nature of the right to die with "dignity."
Fat, trans, intersex and people with disabilities show the world, through our bodies, the farcical nature of a fixed, natural, normal body.
We are leading the edge of human innovation.
[1] http://www.amptoons.com/blog/
[2] http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2005/04/20/1487/
[3] http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2005/04/19/cdc-exaggerated-fat-deaths-by-1400/
[4] http://jaysennett.typepad.com/jay_sennetts_blog/files/newsletter2003-3.pdf
Posted in A Bespoke Body | 3 Comments »
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
I found this quote at Gimp Parade [1]. The connections between transsexuals and people with disabilities are many, given what we have to teach the world about bodies, happiness and the medical establishment, among other things.
Not only do physically disabled people have experiences which are not available to the able-bodied, they are in a better position to transcend cultural mythologies about the body, because they cannot do things the able-bodied feel they must do in order to be happy, 'normal,' and sane....If disabled people were truly heard, an explosion of knowledge of the human body and psyche would take place. -- Susan Wendell, author of The Rejected Body: Feminist Philosophical Reflections on Disability
[1] http://thegimpparade.blogspot.com/
Posted in Etc. | 4 Comments »
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
I don't know if other FtMs are contemplating a gender clinic or obtaining the services of individual plastic surgeons and gynecologists to meet their surgery needs
Either route is problematic.
In sharing some of my experiences perhaps others may learn from them. For the sake of my own sanity, I will leave the name of the clinic off this blog. If any of you wish to know more, please email me. We can discuss things more fully offline.
When I first transitioned in 1995, I refused to see a therapist. Being diagnosed with a mental illness offended every fiber of my soul. It still does.
I do not believe I have a mental illness. A hormonal imbalance, maybe. Genetic disorder, possibly. But I know that I have always wanted to be man. From the time I spoke my first words, my mother says I conceived of myself as a boy. "I had to tell you repeatedly that you were a little girl."
Knowing this lifelong feeling to be the most truest thing in me, I simply refused to debase it with discussions about impulses or reasons or bad mothering with individuals who had no experience with transsexuals. In 1995/1996 in Chicago, the level of knowledge among therapists was nonexistant. But many wanted me as a client. Why wouldn't they? I offered them great financial and intellectual gain for no experience. They got something for nothing.
I said "screw that!"
Because I worked at a small teaching hospital in Chicago I was able to receive care from a very competent gay doctor known to me experienced with treating people living with AIDS/HIV.
He was a great ally and advocated insurance reimbursement for me on my behalf. The hospital where I worked was a Catholic one. His efforts went nowhere. But early on in my transition I had the experience of a medical provider working on my behalf without any letter from a therapist testifying to my mental veracity.
Once I started hormones, I refused to have top surgery. While I told myself I didn't want it, I think now I refused to pursue it for several reasons. I could not afford the out of pocket expense; the thought of recovering in a strange city in a stuffy, tiny hotel room did not appeal to me; and psychically I was not prepared to deal with the surgery.
I've eased into my manhood by fits and starts. The privilege that has accrued to me as a white man is enormous, unimaginable to me before hormones. Do I sound misguided when I say that I could not handle having my tits cut off because I was afraid? Afraid of what it would mean for me as an even closer approximation of man than before. Afraid of losing my already increasingly strenous ties to the so-called lesbian community. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid. My transition can be characterized as a sloughing off of layers of fear to find joy. Maybe I could have been less afraid. But who knows and regret gets me nowhere.
I lived with my decision to pass on surgery for nine years. Then I met a woman and asked her to marry me. She agreed. We both wanted to have a civil, state sponsored wedding. (More on my participation as transsexual in a heterosexist institution at another time.)
In order to legally marry, I had to at least have top surgery. My state of birth, Colorado, changes birth certificates with a letter from a surgeon. I also wanted a full hystorectomy to reduce my hormone intake and m primary care physician believed it medically necessary, too . Now I was at a crossroads.
My two choices were: Do I opt to participate in the gender clinic near my home, a clinic run under the auspices of a an international teaching university and subject myself and my partner to a rigorous set of therapeutic interviews to test my mental capacity, but that would work with my insurance company to pay for the surgeries; or, do I choose to purchase the surgeries I needed through doctors willing to treat me without said therapeutic interviews, but who may practice in Oregon or California or some other place far from my home and who would require payment up front?
I knew either route to be problematic. And boy, did I resent having to make the choice in the first place.
I do not know if I can convey to non-trans people with no experiences with transsexuals (not transgender people, mind you, but, full on, hormone taking, body loving transsexuals) how extremely offensive, stressful and ridiculous the whole medical process is for transsexuals. I am offended that I have to submit myself to stupid mental health questions with people only concerned about liability to have insurance pay for my surgeries. I am equally offended that my only other option is to go out of state for surgeries and recover in a hotel room. A fucking hotel room.
But I am most appalled and disgusted that my condition/state/reality was and is deemed a mental illness. I suffered from body dysmorphia and gender identity troubles. The whole process of being interviewed by a therapist for what amounted to permission to make my body the same as my heart was, in fact, so appalling to me, my future bride and I spent countless hours discussing the pros of heading out to California for surgery with the cons of recovering in a Best Western or Days Inn.
Finally, the possibility of recovery in my town, near my primary care physician, was more attractive than California, even with the mental health dog and pony show I knew I had to endure, so I made that first phone call to the coordinator of the clinic.
(I will continue with this thread in my next post).
Posted in A Bespoke Body, Self-Organizing Men | Comments Off
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
Last night I shared my irritation with Ms. Nunes' post [1] to this blog with my wife, the divine Ms. H.
"I got my first phobic post yesterday," I said.
"From who?"
"Someone I've never heard of!"
She smiled and clapped her hands. "Yeahhh!!! That means someone besides your friends are reading your blog!"
She makes an excellent point. She or he who laughs lasts. (and there's no such thing as bad publicity.)
[1] http://jaysennett.typepad.com/jay_sennetts_blog/2005/04/speed.html#comments
Posted in Political Art | 4 Comments »
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
I begin today's post on Deborah Rudiacille's book, The Riddle of Gender: Science, Activism and Transgender Rights [1] by way of a comment posted by Susan Nunes to this blog [2]. She wrote:
Many feminists reject transsexualism because to them it is a blatant instance of self-hatred. Not only that, but it's not particularly ethical for doctors to make a killing mutilating bodies because somebody thinks they really are the other sex, which they can NEVER really be.
Nunes goes on to write that she agrees with this position. But what, precisely, does Nunes mean by "other sex" and "NEVER"?
Child Physiology [3] offers an animated graphic that describes how chromosomal and gonadal and genital sex arises in fetuses. The website also describes how chromosomal variations create intersex babies.
But I doubt a discussion of human physiology will dissuade Ms. Nunes. First, intersexuality is seen in our popular imagination as an innate condition. Transsexuality is a chosen one in this framing of gender variance; one that Ms. Nunes and her pals believe is a consequence of "self hating."
I further doubt that Ms. Nunes will be dissuaded by Deborah Rudacille's book. I will go into depth later this week on Deborah's excellent book. For now, let me whet the appetites of kindred souls by writing that Rudacille offers a compelling case that sex is in many ways determined at birth ("Victory!" I hear Ms. Nunes chiming) and is potentially being altered by the buildup of man made chemicals in our environments.
Rudacille argues that endrocrine disrupting chemicals (EDC):
(have) begun to produce the same kind of effects on human sexual differentiation that have already been observed in wildlife and laboratory animals. In this view, a previously rare collection of endocrine-mediated anomalies is becoming more common as a result of the bioaccumulation of these chemicals, many of which are stored in fat and transmitted to the developing fetus through the placenta of pregnancy.
Who knows how Ms. Nunes will respond to this information? Corporations should stop dumping chemicals and transsexual should get into therapy since I can NEVER be the opposite sex?
Perhaps.
But I can't help thinking of Shakespeare's line from Macbeth. "Methinks the Lady doth protest too much." What does Ms. Nunes get out of maintaining the frame through which she conceives of transsexuality? What does she, and others like her, profit by telling me that I'm simply misguided by my extreme self-loathing? What does Ms. Nunes' lens say about her gender? And why is she and others like her compelled to project that view onto me and my kind? What does she get out of that?
After ten years on hormones, two major surgeries and months and months and months of asking permission from the State to do what I have done, the riddle is not about gender.
The riddle is why people like Nunes are just so damn afraid about what I've done with my body.
[1] http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0375421629/qid=1113922696/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/103-4944607-6529408?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
[2] http://jaysennett.typepad.com/jay_sennetts_blog/2005/04/speed.html#comments
[3] http://www.sickkids.ca/childphysiology/cpwp/Genital/genitaldevelopment.htm
Posted in A Bespoke Body, Self-Organizing Men | 2 Comments »
