What is Social Conditioning?
May 23, 2005 – 10:37 amA good friend poses the following questions to those of you reading this blog:
regarding your discussion of bodies, etc… i have been going out with someone i don’t find physically attractive. She is a large woman, larger
than i am and i’m not small at all. I love her personality and who she is, but the body thing gets in my way. it frustrates me because i have personally gone through the EXACT SAME THING with other women and here i find myself feeling it with her.How do we unlearn years of social conditioning? Is it totally social conditioning or is some of it personal preference? Is personal preference social conditioning? aacckk, how can i feel the same things that others feel about me….i know how much I have to offer that is not related to my physical body, despite my size and disabilities. ugh. i’m open to suggestions!
Feedback? Suggestions???
3 Responses to “What is Social Conditioning?”
Unfortunately, I think the clash between our intellects or our humanity and our animal selves is ongoing. Bluntly, I think our attractions are governed as much by subconscious instinct as they are by conscious desire. Without getting too Darwinian - because I think Darwinism is a religion in itself, and not without its omissions and errors - I do think whatever our sexualities we have to have chemistry, that elusive something we give a label to describe but which does not even begin to address the complexity of what takes place. Pheromones play a HUGE part, I believe - I know one reason I adore my partner’s body is the smell and I don’t mean sweat, I mean something only I can smell. He’s the same with me. Around the ears and the neckline are particular areas which can make a person go ga-ga if they’re with someone whose chemistry agrees with them. Clearly, what you’re describing is not intended to be a sexual relationship. It is, instead, a cerebral one and that’s no bad thing. But if the pheromones are not doing the job, then nothing will happen in physical terms. x
By Andy on May 24, 2005
Andy!
Thanks for posting.
The questions raised by my pal are indeed ongoing. Guilt of course, compounds the issue. As in, as a transman I should be attracted to other trans people, but am not…
Biological instinct and attraction are hard to overcome through the intellect.
Your raise a curious point about pheromones. Yet, there are visual features that do not attract me at all….
Perhaps a conundrum which will never end…
By Jay Sennett on May 24, 2005
“aacckk, how can i feel the same things that others feel about me….i know how much I have to offer that is not related to my physical body, despite my size and disabilities. ugh.”
You hit that nail right on the head. UGH. It is very curious that you are engaging in the same sort of discrimination others have pointed towards you in the past. Being a person of size, I find it disheartening on many levels that you are employing the same yardstick you have yourself experienced to limit your potential and opportunities.
I urge and implore you, search within yourself and demand more of yourself than just a knee-jerk reaction. How did you get to the place you are now, to wit, dating someone you say that you don’t find physically attractive? Clearly *something* drew you to this person; you remarked on her personality but didn’t mention specifics, so I can only conjecture. What, then, prevented you from being honest about your physical preferences before the situation grew more complicated and potentially hurtful to your partner? That’s the million-dollar question. Could it be because you were trying so hard to adopt a mantle that doesn’t actually fit *you* (as in a desire for partners regardless of body type and size)? Too often it’s been my experience that people simply wait around to see if problems will solve themselves - and I sincerely hope that’s not the case for you.
It doesn’t always need to be about sex, as Andy so astutely observed. Many a joke about straight marriage finds its roots in a certain expectation that over time people will find themselves less physically attracted to their life mate - there’s a certain grain of truth to that no matter what our proclivities or orientation. We go through cycles as far as what attracts us, what interests we pursue, what friends we keep. I am a bisexual woman, and I’ve yet to experience that person whose body - in all its natural, flawed glory - prevented me from enjoying a loving, reciprocal relationship as a natural outgrowth of the love, respect and honor I already felt. There are deeper connections that those momentary ones of the flesh.
I wish you well in your quest for self-discovery.
By Jennifer Gee on May 25, 2005