Self-Organizing Man

More From Nick Kiddle

August 22, 2005 – 11:27 am

Nick has written a response to my praise with a lovely piece on his blog.

After dismissing my praise of him and writing about how he isn’t really a transman, he concludes:

I take a step back and start to understand that my gender is still a work in progress. My comfort lately comes from accepting that it’s a work in progress rather than jumping for definitive answers, from embracing the apparent contradictions rather than trying to explain them all away and fit myself into one box or another. The label bothers me because it has a connotation - which, for all I know, it doesn’t have for Jay - of having reached a conclusion. Rightly or wrongly, I interpret “transman” as meaning someone who has at least begun the process of transitioning, not at all an accurate term for someone who casts envious glances at drag kings with the nerve to cut their hair.

My friend, my gender remains a work in progess.  Today my gender reflects bespoke suits and cufflinks.  Seven years ago it reflected a more queer persona.

I’ve variously identified as a transsexual man, transman, man, ftm.  Increasingly I see the terms “transman” and “transsexual” as political terms, not personal ones.  “Am I trans enough” defined much of my identity over the last several years.  But I see this question as a political one.

Personally I don’t know if I am trans. I do know that I feel differently about myself and my body today than I did fifteen years ago.  With each year I change.  Some of the changes I bring about in the world.  Others are part of the process of being human.

Nick writes that “transman” describes someone who has begun the process of transitioning.  It is not one, he concludes, that is accurate “for someone who casts envious glances at drag kings with the nerve to cut their hair.”

If Nick chooses to not identify as transman he can.  I will say that transitioning as the hallmark of transman seems arbitrary and dangerous.  Of course all labels reflect arbitrary decisions.  But they also become dangerous because their very arbitrary nature sets up a pure-impure dynamic.  Real transmen transition.  Real transmen take hormones.  Blah. Blah. Blah.

Trans can also be about attitude, internal feelings, thoughts and so on. 

Reality remains one of our most deliciously constructed and overrated fictions. 

In my personal truth Nick can claim the label transman and never cut his hair and cast envious glances at drag kings.  After fifteen years of kicking around transman, I’ve decided anyone can claim the term. 

Coming to grips with the feelings and thoughts and social dynamics of gender remains one of the most difficult of human journeys.   All deserve smooth travels, unfettered by unneeded drama and judgement.

Nick is also free to not claim the term.  The fact that I need him to says everything about me and nothing about him.  I need transmen to be out about pregnancy.  Not that I would ever get pregnant.  I just believe in supporting as broad a range of human behavior as possible.

The blogosphere supports just such possibility.  The neat thing about words like transman and blogs come about when someone who identifies with Nick says, “well, yes, I _am_ a transman.”  And Nick gets to remain Nick.

Transman or not.  Transitioning or not.  Nick is still brave.  And the last time I checked, bravery encompasses all genders.