Self-Organizing Man

Peterson Toscano, fabulous theatrical performance activist, shared with me his thoughts about emboding a conservative ex-gay ministry kind of masculinity or how to not act like a fag, and how acting British gets you better customer service. His words remind me of how much I had to retrain my body to look and act (naturally) more masculine and straight. Especially during my early years on hormones, when I got read not as woman or lesbian but as fucking faggot.

During the beginning portion of my 17 years enduring “ex-gay” therapy, I received specific training on my voice inflection. Throughout high school my voice, although baritone, I inflected up the ends of my sentences. I was told that this was too feminine sounding and needed to sound more sure of myself, more masculine.

While in the LIA program, we were taught and expected to stand erect with our arms to the side whenever we stood to receive “feedback” from staff or other participants. Our shoulders had to be squared back with our head up. We were required to maintain direct eye contact. One of my acts of rebellion while in the program was to squint my eyes whenever I received feedback. That or I would give the most piercing eye contact possible.

We could not clasp our hands in front of us. We were told that we would be hiding that way. And we could not clasp our hands behind us because it would be a sign that we were pulling away. Our stance had to be solid, open and non-threatening.

The ex-gay movements fear of femininity in perceived masculine bodies gets worse!

Crossing our legs in the LIA was discouraged unless we did so with our ankle on one knee with the other knee suspended in the air. Crossing our legs at the ankle was also discouraged as was slouching while seated.

And whatever you do, don’t touch each other (because touching leads to dancing, I guess…)

While a participant in LIA, physical contact, particularly signs of affection were strictly prohibited and monitored. We could not hug anyone, be they staff or participants. We were encouraged to shake hands.

The emphasis on a white, corporate appearance surprised me. Though as I think about Falwell, et al, they all look like Fortune 500 bots.

We were not required to wear a suit and tie to the church we were forced to attend, but whenever we did, we were affirmed by the staff and other participants. We were told that we looked handsome in suits. Wearing a suit and holding a Bible under our arms seemed manly and godly all in one. Any sort of “ethnic clothing” was discouraged as being “FI” or a false image. Dark conservative suits received the most compliments.

I asked Peterson if he felt his body had changed since he left the ex-gay ministry. He writes:

I don’t know how my body has changed since I’ve been out of the program. I know that in my theater pieces, I play many different types of characters with various body types, accents and affectations. In three different shows I have written in a character named Chad. He is effeminate, flamboyant and some may say stereotypical of the gay man as portrayed in movies and TV. Sometimes I wonder if I am really more like Chad than I act in my day to day life. I have learned through conditioning and from the responses from the world (straight and gay) that being a “straight acting” white male gets the most respect from the people in power.

A few years ago I was pulled over for having a headlight out. With my Yankees cap on and my best white bread all American straight boy accent, I apologized to the officer being respectful without groveling . I was not surprised when he let me go with only a warning.

I wonder if the source of his acceptance as “straight acting” stem from this era now where all good can be found in The Boy and The Masculine (and all gross, disgusting, icky is The Girl and The Feminine/Femme). Call it Masculine Fascism.

I do want to do an experiment and live an entire day as Chad and see how the world is different for me. I imagine it will take more courage than I normally need in my daily existence.

I got harassed to within a few feet of my life when I got read as a fag. A few times. I’ve concluded that living as an out, flamboyant gay man represents courage and risk and faith in one’s ability to meet bigots with heads held high. Chad is very brave.

Peterson also offered advice on how to receive awesome customer service here in the U.S.

At times when I’ve wanted to make sure I get extra good care from customer service on the phone or even in person, I have put on an educated sounding British accent (with a slight tinge of working class Manchester in it). It works magic and I have gotten the best customer service that way. Here in the US, the “British professor” is a super white persona, and it commands respect.

So-called gender performance is as much about the so-called audience as it is the performer. Successful queers manipulate this fact to our advantage, I think. And in a world that can go from “I love Wil and Grace” to “God Hates Fags” in less than a nanosecond, I think we should be teaching that skill to every queer, everywhere.