Internalized Weirdness
February 20, 2006 – 8:25 amFile this one under internalized transphobia and bodyism (?).
At Yoga class on Saturday I saw a guy who had a body shape I found, well, repulsive. How he looked is irrelevant.
That I found it repugnant - and my repugnance became specific to a particular person in space and time -is the whole point. Why? Because in the ongoing drama contained in my brain about:
How men should look;
How I don’t look that way;
Why I hate myself because I don’t look that way;
And how not looking that way is because I’m trans;
I forget that men come in all shapes and sizes.
I also forget that my job is to live inside my body. Not a short distance from it. But right inside it. And accept me in my body as I am.
5 Responses to “Internalized Weirdness”
I understand completely your individualized repugnance because I’ve felt it, too. And not just towards women but men, too. I finally had to deal with the fact that although I might not like how other things look - bodies or buildings or paintings or whatever - that has nothing to do with how I look. Hey, if I don’t like me, how can I expect anyone else to?
By Jami on Feb 20, 2006
Man, if you find the clue to fixing this, email me would you? I totally relate to this problem! My wife is trying desperately to convince me that I look “good” (fine, nice, pretty, choose your adjective). I so own your own set of internalizations!
By Denise on Feb 20, 2006
Like maybe this is our life’s work…it seems like such a simple lesson. but one I can’t ever seem to either learn or remember!
By jay sennett on Feb 21, 2006
I used to get hung up about my appearance–largeish jaw, barrel chest, broad shoulders, a belly that juts out, etc. I thought these things would keep me from passing successfully, even though my spouse kept reminding me that many women have similar characteristics. Then I met my current supervisor at work–largeish jaw, barrel chest, broad shoulders, a belly that juts out, and born with all the accoutrements I wish I had years ago. I don’t worry about it much anymore.
Jay, I think you look like a teddy bear, and although I’m not into guys, I think you look cute.
By Lilith von Fraumench on Feb 22, 2006
Lilith,
You’re making me blush!
By jay sennett on Feb 22, 2006