Answering Those Questions
May 10, 2006 – 6:24 amEmbedded within notions of privacy lies a power imbalance. Some of us - maler, richer, whiter, thinner, temporarily able bodied - get more privacy than others. These people don’t get asked ridiculous questions, the ones that for me lurk behind every well meaning face.
"Did you have the surgery?"
"Were you born this way?"
And so on. Dear reader, you probably have a series of questions you dread, too.
Or maybe you don’t. But I do. I dread them because I’ve been at this gender thing for almost fifteen years. In the ensuing years I’ve changed much. The questions have not.
In the beginning of my career as a transsexual, I loved the questions, answered them, offered more than anyone asked. But after I started dating Ms. H. - a woman for whom privacy ranks as a hallmark of respect - I decided no more.
The repetitiveness of the questions creeped me out. But even more than the creepiness was the realization that these questions and the blithe manner in which they always seemed to be asked, were part of the very public nature of transsexuality. They weren’t about wanting to know or curiousity about about an unspoken power imbalance designed to keep me in my place.
After fifteen years I now understand that these questions are, for the interrogator, the price I pay for being a transsexual. After all, transsexuality is so strange that all socially negotiated expectations of privacy disappear. As a transsexual I can have no reasonable expectation of privacy.
Yes, the interrogator may be well meaning, or even nice, but imagine the baneful or downright confused glances I would receive were I to flip the questions.
"Well, how do you feel about your genitalia?"
"At what point in your life did you decide you had a normative gender?"
"So like, when do you disclose that you have a one inch Johnson or a super loose vagina?"
"Here dear. Just be a nice little pet and answer the man’s questions."
How ’bout not. The ones I will answer come from folks with clouds in their eyes, pursed lips. They usually disclose their agenda. "I’m asking because of my child, spouse or me." These folks want to know for their hearts and sometimes because their lives may depend on it.
For them, I offer what I can. For everybody else, the answer is no.
3 Responses to “Answering Those Questions”
The questions suck, that’s for sure, and while I agree that there are those who genuinely should be honestly answered, I’ve always wanted to answer the rest by saying, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours … in the middle of Main Street at high noon on Wednesday.” I never did, though - either say it or show it.
By Jami on May 10, 2006
ah, the questions. I don’t remember who, but someone once wrote, “incessant questioning is a form of violence”. So true.
I’ve been at this for a shorter period than yourself, jay (four years). But i’ve never had patience for questions. Unless from people with which i have a very intimate relationship. My favorite is “have you had The Surgery?” I also like, “so are you a man or a woman?” Or “were you born a man or a woman?” or simply, “wait, so what are you?” Makes me wanna slap someone. Obviously i’m a turtle.
By vegankid on May 11, 2006
guess that makes me a turtle too.
and the anger is always such a learning opportunity.
By jay sennett on May 12, 2006