Self-Organizing Man

[Click on image to save/download/print etc. Licensing terms here etc.]

The reality of my attempts to live my life in a principled manner means I get walloped on the head with reality more than I ever care to. And each bump serves to remind me of the all-encompassing nature of my own stupidity.

Case in point: Heart wrote a wonderful and very much needed post calling out white feminist and progressive bloggers who don’t moderate their comments.

Why are the posts of racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, white supremacist haters not being moderated? Are long-ass trainwreck comments threads, and endless displays of ignorance hits so important to you that you are willing to just blow off, ignore, the damage they cause as evidenced in posts and threads like bfp’s and nubian’s?

I agree 100%. White people must hold other white people accountable for this crap of unmoderated comments in the guise of “discussion.” Her words echo Dr. King’s sentiment that all that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.

And here’s where reality reminds me through Heart the extent of my ongoing stupidity.

In other contexts, Heart’s words about trans folks have stymied and frustrated and touched that raw nerve still living inside me that says, “yes, you really are a fake and still a woman and no amount of hormones and surgery will change that.”

In my mind, then, because Heart said what for me are very, well, hateful things about me and my people, she must not be capable of getting anything else.

Alas, reality teaches me otherwise! The fact is we are all complicated. The fact is that for social justice work to be truly liberatory we must find common ground even with people we might despise. We don’t get a free pass to only work with people who love us and like us - and towards whom we feel the same - 100% of the time.

Reality teaches me, through Heart, that I still have much kindness to heap upon myself since her words about trans folks still bruise my soul. Ultimately, reality teaches me, I’m the one bruising my soul. Part of me agrees with Heart, and that part of me hates all the other parts of me, and in turn, objectifies Heart as somehow different from me, as “the enemy.”

(But who is watering the seeds of my unhappiness? Who ultimately can sway that nasty person in my head?)

Reality teaches me that racism is an all-pervasive system and white folks who get it - however they show up and whatever our joint history might be - are too far and few between to deny.

For me it’s one of those both and kind of deals. A paradox. In my ongoing lesson in the extent of my own stupidity I want everything to be neat and tidy and clean and square. But it isn’t. Reality oozes out of every theory and dents intentions and just plain fucks everything up for us one way or another. We want happiness without sadness, like without dislike, our friends to be perfect and our enemies to be evil and imperfect.

If it were only that simple. Reality, as it turns out, is very, very, very messy. And that’s just perfect. Friends shock us with their racism or misogyny. Enemies surprise us with their compassion and fiery right effort.

I am very stupid when I think I can have it either or.

When I let it, reality is a great teacher. In reality people don’t get my transsexuality. The are great teachers. They can, if I (and we) let them, bring out the best in my practice as they offer me an opportunity to practice compassion. An enemy’s most basic teaching is the reminder to breath.

In and out.

I don’t know if Heart will ever “get it” about transsexuality. I do not really care if she does or does not. I have about as much chance of changing her mind as moving the sun. I may still hold her accountable and yet, somehow, my view of her now is wider, bigger like “yeah I know she doesn’t get the trans thing but….”

In saying this I know I’m stepping into a flame-retardant, shit repellent, nasty comment proof suit. Working on loving your enemies is a decidely unpopular stance in social justice communities.

Almost as unpopular as saying I care very much I still have so much self-hatred inside of me it is unbelievable and have very much work still to do to reduce my pervasive self-induced suffering.

I care very much that Heart is another white person holding other white people accountable for our collective racist hivy, groupthink groupmind. In my fifteen plus years of anti-racist work, both personal and collective, she is very rare indeed.

Namaste.