Self-Organizing Man

I said in my response to Jay’s last blog entry that "Someday" has arrived for me in terms of my writing.  Writing a 50 word novel in 30 days last November (Nanowrimo — www.nanowrrmo.org) showed me I could and it opened me up to writing my second novel NOW Instead of Someday.

But, I find that i still operate on the "someday" methedology in the rest of my life.  I am fat.  I am way overweight and my back hurts badly.  In fact, I am in constant pain that limits my life horribly.  I don’t even leave my basement many days because of the few steps I can no longer climb.  I’ve lived with the assumption that this is jus t he punishement for being overweight, and the result of a back injury from  years ago and all t he doctors will do is tell me to loose weight so i just have to keep trying to do that and live with the pain.

My primary care doc gave me an anti-inflamatory and a muscle relaxant a few months ago when it got bad.  Today t hey aren’t touching it at all.  I am in constant pain.  I"m up in the middle of the night to blog because it’s the only time when i can sit in an office chair and function.

Someday i’ll loose weight.  someday the pain will go away.  I punish myself by waiting for someday. and it feeds on my shame and devaluation of my self and my experiences.

Someday has arrived.  I have a doctors appointment friday afternoon.