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Men Fearing Other Men
By Jay | May 23, 2007
I read brownfemipower’s insightful piece about how families can contribute to making a domestic violence situation worse.
In response to a sense from some commenters that only a slim chance exists for male abusers to change, I noted a conclusion I had made as I learned to become a man.
I tend to agree except sometimes I see first hand bellicose men will fall to their knees when the cops arrive, begging and saying “yes, sir” etc. Why men like this don’t change is that we as a society of men dominating women don’t care to see these men change…maybe because we’re afraid too seeing I don’t know.
What I do know, and something that was one of the most difficult things for me to learn as man was what I call the “leaping attack.” What is this: Men tend nudge each other and try to assert their dominance by stares, snarks, etc. Sometimes they just plain try to muscle their way around. So what I’ve had to learn is to raise my voice to a roar, step right into their space and say, “what of it motherfucker!?!” 100 percent of the time every man who has hassled me has backed down. It helps that I’m 6′2″ but attitude has everything to do with it. I’ve also adopted this approach on the phone.
I believe that men can and do benefit from the subjection of women. What interests me is how it is that men remain silent in the face of their daughters or sisters abuse. Setting aside the sure percentage of men who think women deserve it, I wonder if the group of men who may want to intervene don’t intervene because they are afraid they will get beat up, too.
The times when I have confronted bullies, I’ve been terrified. Maybe he’ll come after me, too. Male violence works to keep us all in place, perpetrators and victims alike.
But this reality does not keep us from working to end male violence. Why does work around ending domestic violence address helping the victim, with no collective, ongoing, state and federally funded response for abusers. Many men agree that rape and domestic violence are wrong. Sitting around, though, and doing nothing or attributing this behavior to some misguided notions of evolutionary biology sends the strong message to women and these abusive men <i>We are totally down with what you are doing….And I’m glad it’s not me you’re beating up.</i>
What do you all think? How much does fear keep us from doing this important work?
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